F.A.R.T.

 

Speaking of tape and recordings, we also had our own Radio Station: F.A.R.T.. Our introductory jingle was, "Eff, Ayy, Arr, TEEEE... Sterr-e-Ohh, Cob-den!" 

We adopted Cobden as our station's location because it sounded so much better in recording than "Queens Line" or "Foresters Falls" even though they are the acknowledged and much revered Center of the Universe. Or much maligned; it depends on who you ask.

Anyway, I said the "Eff" and the "Arr", Cory said the "Ayy" and the "TEEEE", and we both chimed in on the "Sterr-e-Ohh, Cob-den!" We ran the mic to left and right in front of us as we recited the "Sterr-e-Ohh" part to emphasize the rock'n'roll stereo nature of our station. "Cob-den" was said with a lower, Ted Baxter, newscaster voice to illustrate the inclusion of news content in our programming. 

We mostly listened to Joan Jett and the Blackhearts in those days, so it was All Joan Jett All The Time. We'd play the opening 10 seconds of a song and then it was "WUH!" and "WOO!" and back to commentary which was the heart of our station's content. Wolfman Jack didn't have much on us when it came to expressing ourselves behind a mic.

Our station was modelled after WKRP in Cincinnati, particularly the episode where they hosted the U.K. rock band, The Scum of the Earth. Rather than take on the Dr. Johnny Fever and Venus Flytrap personas for our disc jockeys, we adopted the Scum of the Earth characters for our DJ's. Unlike most radio stations, while we of course had live celebrity interviews, we also hosted live commercials. In true Scum of the Earth fashion, most advertisers were thrown out the window after their presentation. Interviewees also. And janitors or pizza deliverymen, if they were unfortunate enough to enter our studio while we were ON AIR. We were on the third floor, so whoever's outcome depended on where and how they landed, but we never gave that the second thought. We just slammed the window back down and it was on with the show! Some advertisers or interviewees didn't even make it all the way through. With a Scum of the Earth-style, "That's it for him, then!", the window was opened and the unlucky sap was bodily and unceremoniously thrown out of it to whatever fate awaited him. Or her; we were equal opportunity tossers. 

Surprisingly, given the notorious and scandalous nature of our station, we never seemed to have a shortage of advertisers and celebrities willing to chance it on our show for the publicity it garnered them. Or the ruptured spleen. It had a little bit of SCTV's Farm Film Celebrity Blow-Up in it due to the sudden exit of any and all guests, but Big Jim McBob's and Billy Sol Hurok's guests voluntarily and willingly blew themselves up whereas our guests were involuntarily and very unwilling thrown out a third story window. 

Our newscaster was a combination of the newsman on Sesame Street, the Muppets, Les Nesman, and, of course, Ted Baxter from the Mary Tyler Moore Show. He never really had a show of his own, just news bulletins of a decidedly bizarre nature. With a "This just in!", he delivered the off the wall news flash with as much professionalism as he could muster given the content and his chaotic and often hostile environment.